Ask Out of the Rain: How can I connect with my family when we can’t see each other?
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Dear Out of the Rain,
My family and I have always been very close. We all lived within short driving distance of each other until just recently and saw each other pretty much every weekend.
Over the past year it seems like everyone just made the decision to go our separate ways and have spread out across several different states. Between just the distance and COVID we barely see each other any more.
At first we were good about calling and checking in, but now we have moved to just interacting mostly via text message or on messenger.
What can I do to reconnect with my family?
-Come Back Home
Dear Come Back,
It’s not just romantic connections that can suffer from long distance relationships; and in this pandemic age, not all “long distance” relationships have that much space between the participants. All kinds of people struggle with being unable to see their loved ones in-person.
My biggest advice for this is to strive for quality and not settle for quantity.
The smartphones in our pockets give us countless ways to stay in constant communication with friends, family, loved ones, acquaintances, strangers, enemies, etc. Scrolling through the endless feed of memes, articles, photos of sunsets, political messages, and the rest of social media chaff we get little sprinklings of substance from our close circle. Photos of your nephew’s big game; an update on grandma’s last surgery; a summary of your brother’s last trip down the coast; and so on. Many people also lean on texting and group chats, sending a constant stream of several word updates on what’s for dinner or riveting commentary on the latest developments in the weather.
In many ways, this can leave us feeling more connected than ever. Sometimes we barely go a few minutes before we get another little morsel of information about the ones we love. Like gorging on your favorite Chinese take-out, however, this communication with minimal actual interaction can leave us wanting more. Often social media and messaging can feel more like sending that cute picture of our cat into the void, rather than to another person.
If all we have is that stream, then we have the quantity, but not the quality.
So how do we get quality when we can’t see each other face-to-face? This is a challenge that has become increasingly prevalent over the past few years (side note: holy cow, has it really been almost two years?!).
I have a few simple tips for this:
First, be intentional about time spent. Don’t let time with the ones you love be something that just happens to you. Schedule time to really sit down and focus on each other. Phone calls are great, but video calls are even better (Zoom has started to feel like another member of my family). For most people, being able to see each other virtual face-to-face is more engaging and fulfilling than just reading text or hearing someone’s voice. Plus it’s easier to tell when grandpa nods off in the middle of the conversation.
Second, find an activity or hobby that you can share. This can give some focus to your scheduled time. It can be excruciatingly awkward to sit and stare at each other on the screen, trying to come up with new things to say. I’ve got a few solutions:
Play a game! I’m a big proponent of online gaming for people unable to access in-person social activities. Maybe now is the time to find out what World of Warcraft is all about? Or finally give in to your nephew’s incessant begging to try Fortnite with him. There are also a ton of traditional/party games that can be played over video chat. Start each call with a quick round of 20 questions, or get a deck of trivial pursuit cards from the thrift store and do your best Alex Trebek impression.
Start a new hobby together! Start drawing, or knitting, or baking, and share your progress or latest project on your video calls.
For some, it might feel like coloring together or playing a game would just be a “distraction.” I’m willing to bet, however, you’ll do a lot more communicating of substance over a game of tic-tac-toe than you will just staring at each other asking about the weather!
And if your family just isn’t interested? Well, that’s really a question for another post (feel free to submit a question at https://outoftherain.life/ask if this is something you’re struggling with). But I will say that it’s more than okay to look outside your family for your social needs, whether that’s to supplement or even act as a surrogate. Find people who share your interests or hobbies, either locally or online, and jump in! Facebook groups, Discord, and Reddit are great resources for finding online communities.
The most important step though? Talk about this problem with your family. Tell them how you’re feeling about how things have changed since they’ve moved. Listen to how your family feels. Decide, together, what you all want to do about it. And in the end, make sure you all walk away with a plan!
If you have a question you’d like to see answered in Baggage Check (or even feedback on today’s topic), you can submit it at outoftherain.life/ask.
-Kylyn