Ask Out of the Rain: How do I make sure it’s safe to dive back in to a relationship?

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Dear Out of the Rain,

I'm a very codependent type getting out of an abusive relationship with someone I would say is very narcissistic. I have a lot of fears going forward about attempting any new relationships.

A part of it is deciding whether I am healthy enough mentally and emotionally to carry one on in a healthy way. A part of it is a fear that I have fallen into a trap of behaving narcissistically because it's been what I know for so long. On the other hand, what I've learned of narcissism makes me beg the question; how do you know if someone is laying a 'narcissistic trap' of a relationship or is genuinely very romantic and loving, and enthusiastically so, and not just 'acting' that way because it feeds their need? It’s enough to make my head spin.

There is also a part of me that wants to disregard and dismiss labeling anyone definitively because, after all, can't we all be "narcissistic" or "codependent" at times?

Thanks for taking the time to read or answer.

-Looking for Light on the Path

Dear Looking for Light,

First off, I’m sorry you had that experience. Keep in mind that whether you’re looking at re-entering a relationship now or just thinking ahead to the more distant future, the fact that you’re safe now is something to be celebrated!

Having a lot of fear and hesitancy about jumping into situations that might put us back into an unsafe environment is completely normal. In fact, I’d be worried if someone didn’t show reluctance. We often think of fear as an indicator that something is wrong, but in a situation like this it’s more a symptom of your self-awareness and desire to move onward and upward! Just recognizing and labeling that fear is a step many people struggle to get to.

This is a complex issue, so I’m going to break down your question into a few parts.  

Should we even be labelling anyone at all? Aren't we all narcissistic or codependent at times?

To start with, I think it’s important to make a distinction between using terms like “narcissistic” or “codependent” in a colloquial or conversational way versus in a more “clinical” way. It’s a fair point to say that everyone has some qualities or behaviors that can be described as narcissistic, or codependent, or aggressive, or manipulative, etc. Having these qualities, to an extent, is part of the human experience.

It’s also true that we never want to boil an individual down to just a single personality trait or diagnosis. Even people on the more severe end of the scale have many other aspects that contribute to who they are.

The major line in the sand is how much these traits harm or disrupt the lives of themselves and those around them. How much of a negative impact do these behaviors leave? A few little ripples from the occasional pebble, or the destructive wake of a speedboat charging through? This is a big part of the difference between someone who has a more severe personality disorder and someone who just has a few negative or uncomfortable character traits.

The other aspect at play here when we talk about these traits is your own personal boundaries. Everyone’s line for what negative traits they will tolerate (as well to what degree) is different. There is no official, clinical, set-in-stone line for when someone is “narcissistic enough” to be worth leaving, or cutting out of your life. You get to decide exactly where that line is, and it can be as little or as much as you feel comfortable dealing with.

How do I know that I am mentally and emotionally healthy enough to jump back in? How do you know when someone is laying a “narcissistic trap" versus being genuinely, enthusiastically romantic and loving?

These are both extraordinarily tough decisions to have to make. Rather than give you a laundry list of “how to know when you’re ready to jump back in” or “red flags in your new relationship” I’d like to make a few recommendations on how you can build up some defenses to give you the confidence and support you’ll need to be successful.

My first recommendation would be to not put the burden of having to make those observations and decisions on yourself alone. I would strongly recommend seeking some form of professional help if you haven’t already. Having someone educated and versed on the subject who can be an objective party, on the outside looking in, can help immensely. They can help you to unpack what happened in the past, make a plan of attack for how to move forward, and process new situations and feelings with you as you move onward with your life.

I would also recommend looping in a friend who you feel comfortable talking about the situation with. Having a trusted ally on your journey can help you to build confidence as you move forward. They can help to notice red flags, give encouragement, and offer another perspective as you talk about situations that come up. You can also ask them to do things like check in with you once a month and just ask how things are going, to encourage you to reflect on your relationship and have an opportunity to reach out if there are any concerns.

A counselor and a friend fill two similar but distinct roles in your team. Your counselor has special training and experience to help you navigate the road ahead of you. They can also offer feedback and observations from a completely objective point of view, free of personal biases. Your friend, on the other hand, is bringing their personal relationship and experience with you to the table and can provide support for you at times and in ways a counselor is unable to. Unlike a professional, however, they are more at risk of bringing their own personal baggage and biases to the table when attempting to help you.

Above all else, I would encourage you to notice and trust your own feelings. Sometimes we get so caught up in how things should go, or how other people think we should feel, that we end up pushing down that sense of intuition that can be our greatest ally. If something does not feel right to you, then chances are something’s not right! Even if your friends say that your new partner is genuine, and loving, and a great person, and such a perfect partner; if you simply don’t feel good being around them, then that’s enough of a reason to take a step back or slow things down.

Ideally these two aspects—your own “gut” and having some allies at the ready—will work together as a team and help to keep each other in check. You intuition will help you to make observations in the moment and check if what other people are telling you rings true for your situation, and your allies will help to encourage you as you move forward and give some outside perspective and a listening ear.

The last point I want to make on this question is that people who perpetrate abusive relationships have become exceptionally good at manipulating relationships and victimizing their partners. They have a finely honed skillset to get what they want. They have developed ways to bypass their partner’s defenses and establish and maintain that lopsided relationship dynamic. Many victims end up feeling that they “should have just stood up to them” or “should have noticed the red flags” but the blame falls solely on the perpetrator. They specifically engineer their relationships to keep their partner in the dark and doubting. This is one reason it can be so helpful to have allies on our side who can offer an outside perspective, as well as trusting our intuition when it is yelling at us that something is off.

Have I fallen into the trap of behaving narcissistically?

I would like to point out an especially bright light at the end of your particular tunnel: The fact that you are even asking this question is a good sign that you have not fallen into that trap and that you are instead headed in a positive direction!

It’s extremely common for people who have survived abusive relationships to come out the other side feeling like they are being greedy or expecting too much for simply seeking basic decency and respect from their future partners. When your scale for what’s acceptable or not has been warped by an abusive relationship, it can be a difficult process recalibrating. Luckily it will happen with time and persistence. Staying connected with your intuition and relying on the support of your allies with help you on that path.

Thank you so much for reaching out with this question. It’s a complex issue, with a lot of moving parts. I did make a few assumptions about your situation when answering your questions; so if I missed the mark or you would like some advice on something I missed, please feel free to reach out with follow-up questions.

If you would like to learn more about how Out of the Rain can help you navigate the challenges in your life, you can contact us at outoftherain.life/contact.

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-Kylyn